“Snoke had already turned his heart. He would bring destruction, pain, death, and the end of everything I love because of what he will become. And for the briefest moment of pure instinct, I thought I could stop it!
It passed like a fleeting shadow.
And I was left with shame, and with consequence.
And the last thing I saw were the eyes of a frightened boy whose master had failed him.”
I’m not here to try and take down any and all criticisms leveled against Luke’s characterization in The Last Jedi. I’m simply here to say that I couldn’t develop my own appreciation of it until I became sober.
Isolation
It’s said that one of the signs of an abusive relationship is the significant other isolating you from friends and family. It feels wrong to characterize my own, personal alcohol consumption as some other being that was hurting me, as it denies my own, personal responsibility in the wrong I had done, but there’s something to be learned from it.
Alcohol was the lover that isolated me, and it was on its way to being the only friend I had left.
Isolation is, like most things, fine in moderation of course. Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes you need to be alone for a while. Being in rehab and having limited access to the outside world was medicinal, and something I absolutely needed.
But it’s not difficult for this medicine to become a poison, one that is difficult to stop consuming. In my case, like a shipwrecked man, turning to seawater from uncontrollable thirst, it’s a feedback loop of an awful self pity/loathing.
“I fucked up and drank last night, therefore I need to isolate myself. I’m isolated, therefore I need to drink.”
Sometimes I’d take out the middle man and just say “I fucked up and drank last night, therefore I need to drink.”
Towards the end, the middle man was mostly gone.
Kernel of Truth
There are, of course, fleeting glimpses of medicine found in drinking. Unlike giving a dog peanut butter so they take their medicine, think of it more like justifying eating only fast food burgers because of their supposed protein content.
It’s particularly easy when you’re a male, aspiring writer. The image of the classic American male writer, with glasses, a beard, and a glass of bourbon sitting by a fire as he writes his masterpiece made for easy temptation for this glasses wearing, bearded writer who loves getting drunk. Even now, as I sit here, home alone, 222 days sober on this gorgeous night with a fire brewing, the thought of finishing this sundae with an alcoholic cherry on top does not escape me.
“You have four hours before Fine Wine and Spirits closes”, I could tell myself.
“You have no time to poison yourself”, I say instead.
But this leads to another question;
“After all you did when you were drunk, and you still want to drink?”
This is one of the sparks that could incinerate those 222 days.
I could obsess over this, I could dwell on this, and then I could try to drown it.
Instead, I live with it. I don’t try to run, I don’t try to justify it with self loathing (“I hate it, which means trying to escape it is good”), I acknowledge it and I use it to keep on going.
Luke’s Lesson
When I see Luke in his fleeting moment, I’m not upset with him for facing a desire he was supposed to not have anymore, nor do I condemn him for his isolation after Kylo’s retaliation. Thinking you have nothing to do after you’ve so much as wanted to do the thing you’re not supposed to do (or, in my case, doing it) is something I get. I get that the isolation is him feeling like he’s escaping the hole as he digs it deeper, and the deeper you dig it, the sooner you feel you can’t stop.
But you can.
You can always stop digging and you can always start fighting again.
This doesn’t mean you can salvage everything, or even most of everything, but the inability to salvage everything doesn’t mean you don’t save what you can.
Luke realized this in the end. And that’s why I love his arc. It’s honest, it’s heartbreaking, and it’s redemptive.
My own personal “arc” may not be as epic as that of a space wizard that saved a galaxy far, far away, and it took me way, way too long to get it started.
But I did. And I’m gonna keep it going.
devilsadvocritic 