The first piece of media that questioned my gender and sexuality was The Last Of Us Part II.
I’ve wanted to write about my recent self-discoveries ever since I discovered them, but determining where to start has been difficult.
Then it hit me: just start at the beginning, and go from there.
TLOUII came out in June 2020, whereas I came out in October 2021. I still have a lot of shit to figure out about who I am, but I don’t know if I’d ever figured out any of it out, had it not been for one thought that occurred during the game:
“I want to look like that.”
This isn’t an unfamiliar thought when I consume media, though I’ve almost exclusively had it when watching blockbusters, with their shirtless super jacked dudes doing stuff that shirtless super jacked dudes do. That was my sole aspiration for a while, and that aspiration has its place in my daily life. Though primarily for the mental health benefits, I work out a decent amount, essentially every day. I was decrepitly skinny in high school, bulked up a bit, then put on a *lot* of fat from drinking, and have since lost weight. I’m around 200 pounds, not the best shape, but not the worst. Because of my aspiration, I’ll often see in-shape fellows and think some form of “I want to look like that.” If I’m sitting in a movie theater and Chris Hemsworth takes his shirt off and I’d think “damn, good thing I got the small popcorn.”
This changed with The Last Of Us Part II.
You play the first half-ish as Ellie, the second half-ish as Abby, and the last hour or so as Ellie again. Ellie’s pretty lean, but Abby is jacked. I used to joke that Abby is the first time I’ve ever wanted to know the workout regimen of a video game character. Abby’s big, Abby’s buff, and I identified with that part of Abby because that’s what I want to look like. Basic stuff.
But when the game shifted back to Ellie, I felt something different.
Playing the pre-Abby segments as Ellie, I felt a contentment that I normally feel while playing video games. Just that simple, objective “yes, this is my character” that I feel whenever I pick up the controller. When it came to her build, her clothing style, I didn’t really take note of it, I just absorbed it as the full-fledged character she was. But after playing so long as Abby, a character whose physique I related to (at least in aspiration), going back to the more average built Ellie helped me notice the distinction between the two. Ellie’s look was no longer something that I just absorbed and ignored, but instead something I appreciated, and now something I wanted to aspire to.
I looked at Ellie, different gender, different physique and all, and thought “I want to look like that”.
And it’s not like seeing a shirtless Hugh Jackman in an X-Men movie where it’s an affirmation of my aspiration. For a time, it felt as if that initial aspiration, inspired by shirtless jacked dudes doing shirtless jacked dude things, was wrong. Like I’ve been traveling west for years when I needed to go east the whole time.
Eventually, contentment with myself returned. The desire to go west returned. But the new desire is a consistent part of my life, and it fluctuates between the two. I’ve spent a lot of time content with going west, but the desire to go east remains.
I don’t know which way I’m going to head, but I’m grateful for The Last Of Us Part II for helping me understand I have a choice.
devilsadvocritic 